Adventure #19: Being Brave

I wrote this personal essay for my Creative Writing course last March (turned it in a year ago yesterday, actually). I did NOT want to write it, but it burned to be written (I even wrote an alternate essay about something else, but all my peers preferred this one, so I stuck with it). Then, I felt like I should post it on here but didn't want to. Now, a year has passed, and through it all, I have still had that impression to post it, so I finally am. So YOU BETTER READ IT!

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I never really thought I was different. Getting my blood drawn was routine, and a finger prick or a needle in my arm was never anything to be afraid of, though the kids in my fourth grade class often discussed horror stories of getting even a shot. But, knowing nothing else, children accept the circumstances they are given, as I did with getting my blood counts. I do not even remember if I knew for what reason my blood was periodically taken.

Davíd (brother, 12), Me (9), Ilene (sister, 22), and Ashley (niece, 19 months)

in February 1998 at Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch near San Antonio, Texas

Eventually I would learn I was a patient of the lifelong disease Diamond Blackfan Anemia (named after the doctors who discovered it; not intentionally meant to sound dark)—lifelong because it is a genetic mutation and there is no cure. Only 600 to 700 people in the world have this disease, which will cause the bone marrow to produce no or little amounts of red blood cells. It has been known as a crib death, since the ultimate result of a waning red cell count is cardiac arrest and death. Patients are most commonly treated with blood transfusions and/or steroids, a miracle drug that stimulates the bone marrow to produce red cells, though how or why it does this is unknown. The nature of the disease is often unpredictable. On occasion, a patient’s anemia may go into remission that they may live healthily, free of transfusions and steroids.

Apparently, I was exceptional, though. When I returned to Santa Rosa Children’s Hospital in San Antonio for the first time in four years, having recently moved back to the San Antonio area, everyone knew me, even those who were new since I had last been there. They knew my story. I was one of those who lived, treatment free, on my own, with the blood disorder in remission. I had not been on steroids or had a blood transfusion for years and, thereby, was taller than a twelve year old girl also with Diamond Blackfan that was at Doctor Briton’s office the same day as me. This remission is what made me known and a commonly discussed case among the Children’s Cancer and Blood Disorders Center. After all, I had just spent three years in Saudi Arabia, in which we had needed special permission for me to live there, where emergency medical attention would be even more difficult to come by than it already was. Many within the hospital department and those who knew me when I was very little found me an inspiration and would reverently express that.

As I came to understand these things, I took pride in it. I commonly prided in my facts. That is what I was known for—the one who traveled the world and always knew the right answers in my classes. I was never gifted with many abilities, as athletics or other talents. I played piano, because I had had lessons. Besides that, I did not do very much but was known for knowing stuff. If I were to get any attention or to be known by anyone, I would have to rely on the facts about me and the facts I knew.

Also, I was not very good-looking, I had determined. What I saw in the mirror and in pictures was unimpressive, unlike some of the other boys my age. There were often girls crushing on them. I had never heard of any girls crushing on me or of any other validation that I may be good-looking, so I resorted to believing that I was ugly and would not grow to be handsome like my older brothers. The only physical definition I had was being tiny, fairly short and thin. I was born small but also received the stunted growth that came from steroid and blood transfusion treatments. I enjoyed being small and thought it was ideal, though I often perceived disfavor from others about my size, but still, they would know me for my tininess. I figured that it at least got me some attention.

***

With my seventh grade awards in May 2001, Age 12

Over three years later one Sunday, I sat in my family’s hot minivan passenger seat with the door open, waiting for my family to come out of the church building, so we could go home. Celia Blaine [names changed] came out with Paul Abrey. He carried her baby to his car, but she approached me. She was a tall woman, very thin. I had always thought she looked like a model and had somewhat of a crush on this married woman who was more than twice my age, but I often wished for her sweet attention, as well as other people’s attention or praise—a sign of value from them.

I knew I would not get very good attention from my appearance. The older I got the scrappier or homelier I looked. I perceived I needed to show off my thin frame by moving lightly and feathery, and that, in turn, led me to feel insignificant, though I was only trying to give that quality notice.

Now, I was doped on steroids, and my body had honked up in size. This body bore no comfort, while it faced the effects of the steroid: water retention, weight gain, change in hair and eye color, stunted growth, stretch marks, and many other side effects of the drug. At times I could not operate. For instance, gas would be trapped so hard inside me, my chest would feel like it would explode; or, my indigestion so great my insides felt like they would implode. My body did not feel like my own.

My eating tripled, because I always felt hungry. I never reached satiety. Before I understood this effect of the steroid, the only reason I would stop eating was because I could not fit another parcel of food inside of me.

My personality changed, too. I was irritable about every thing that was even slightly out of place. This increase in stress made sleeping difficult and gave me headaches and migraines.

I did not recognize myself and was uncomfortable with the drastic changes in my bodily function and appearance. Others did not recognize me either. Some people would not look at me anymore. Had they stopped seeing me? Few would talk to me previously, and now even fewer did. I became the smart kid who suddenly got FAT in a month. Some would unsympathetically tease me, particularly about my abnormally chubby cheeks. But, after all, junior high is not when a lot of people are the most understanding. Still, as a preteen often contemplating the point of anything in life, I found these interactions not the least bit encouraging.

As Celia approached me, I sat up, expecting her to give me a message for my mother, who, at the time, was the leader of the women’s organization for our church ward. I was used to being a messenger regarding her business.

She hugged me. “You are so brave,” she said quietly and left.

***

As I look back on that day with Celia, she amazes me. I remember her as a quiet person. It did not strike me at that age, but now as an adult, I sense irony in her message, in that she probably braved to hug me and to say those words.

November 2012, Age 24

Still, that was one of the kindest things that anyone did for me during that time. I did not feel brave, but it made me realize I could be, more than I was being. I did not feel as alone, and I felt like there were people watching out for me. I could brave through my condition, despite how I felt about myself or how I felt others saw me. If anything, I could brave through my condition for others.

Now, ten and a half years since I received steroid treatment, eleven years since I received a blood transfusion, I walk across a university campus to meet a friend to discuss a personal essay I wrote for one of my classes. I did not wish to write about my topic, but it burned within me to be written. It is something that has usually made my body involuntarily shake when I discuss it. I rarely bring it up, unless I feel it is appropriate, but I never shy away from it when it is brought up.

That essay led me to investigate my blood disorder further. As I have scrolled through websites and Facebook pages and groups, I find pictures of patients posted by loved ones. They are all seeking hope. Many of those pictured are no longer living. Some only lived to the age of four, others eighteen. It is not easy to face.

In the past, I investigated these sites but eventually banned myself from further viewing, because my body would shake and they would lead to tears from recognizing the result of fellow patients and, perhaps, from a silent fear of the same for myself.

There was even a discussion board of parents with an infected child in my area wishing to reach out to others that may be experiencing the same disease. Others responded, although they were not near these parents. I did not participate. I did not want to face this with them, though I could have met them in person, as was their hope. Was I being selfish? I could hardly face looking at pictures of other patients, let alone comfortably recount my own story. Perhaps, it would have been good to meet them, but I was not brave enough.

Now, as I see those who are struggling more than I have had to and those who have passed on, I know I have been given this time. I have been granted it—not that I am more deserving than others. I sometimes wonder why I am given this. But I have it. I must use it. It should not be spent moping about what I feel I lack or in dispute with or fear of others. This is life. Every breath is a gift. I have the opportunity to live. I am here.

I attend a university where people are kind to me. My peers know me for my kindness and my humor. They enjoy my personality and smile when they see me, as I smile back.

May 2011, Age 22

Often, I am told how good-looking I am. “Cute” is the most common word used. Anytime I perform a scene for my film acting class, my professor raves about how good I look on film.

And in this, I am grateful. Being considered good-looking can be especially beneficial in landing a job in my line of work as an actor, but beyond that and getting ready for my day, I hardly think about appearance, though I assume value in tidiness, as I have all my life. I find more to life than how I look, physically and in action.

I love people knowing my personality and find great reward in that. Rarely do I discuss facts about me, having felt like a museum exhibit in the past—something to see, learn about, and then move on from. Very few people know of my international birth or world travels, and even fewer know about my blood disorder. I desire them to be honest and unbiased with me and treat me as they would anyone else, without affected favor, respect, or disregard based on these facets of me. It is not that I hide these things about me. I am open to speak of them when appropriate. I prefer people to know the current operation of me and I them.

We all have our pasts, but life is now, and we do not know how long we will have it. Now is what we are given, even if it requires being brave. 

That Horny Keyboard

A writing prompt from my First Year Writing course in Fall 2009:

Find something to analyze that you wouldn’t normally analyze. A lamp. A boy in the ward. A chicken nugget. What you’re analyzing doesn’t matter as much as going through the process of analyzing. Remember this process from class: break something into its constituent parts and then try and figure out how the parts work together to create a whole.

What I wrote:
This keyboard I am using must be a very horny son-of-a-gun. All it does all day is get felt all over, which must bring great satisfaction for it since it allows it to happen day in and day out. It is not a very monogamous tool. And just like every person has favorite places where they like to be touched, this keyboard must enjoy being hit on the spacebar, since it is hit so often and is large enough to always be touched. Perhaps, its drive for such interaction is insecurity. It must feel fairly confident about its number keys, since they are set off and fondled with rarely. Consequently, it must be most self-conscious about its letter keys since those are begged to be used more commonly. Further evidence of its insecurity is how it protects itself with a plastic cover, hiding its inner workings so no one can witness any deep sensitivities. It really is a very private individual that uses intimacy as a false sense of self-assurance and appraisal.

My professor commented, "This is why censorship was invented =) "

Adventure #15: eBay Selling My 5th Grade Crush

In my first year English class three years ago, we had to write a persuasive paper to use as a product description to sell an intrinsic item on eBay. I chose my 5th grade crush and read my paper aloud to the class for feedback. They loved it! My professor laughed throughout and commented that I had the "best.last.line.EVER!"...my item never sold, but the paper is fun to read:

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As a hopeless romantic, my life pretty much sucks, especially as a deep feeling, sissy college boy prone to attachment! Therefore, it would help me a lot if I could shake these romantic feelings I have been carrying for a girl from my fifth grade class. My method consists of ridding myself of a proxy—a broken heart shaped paper (two half hearts) with listings of my romantic feelings for her inside the heart. I do not have the money for therapy to settle this issue, since my collegiate institution requires I pay tuition. Hence, I have fallen into alternative ways to relieve myself of these feelings for a girl whom we shall call Annie.

To be honest, the first time I met Annie I thought she was a boy, because of her strong tomboy image. On the first day of school, my teacher requested the silence of some feminine giggling. I glanced in the direction to which she spoke to behold, what I thought to be, a group of three girls and a boy who was the cause of the girls’ laughter. I thought it rude for my teacher to refer to that boy as a girl. The next day, I saw that same boy enter and leave the girls’ restroom. I was shocked!  However, when I saw my teacher’s casual appearance as she witnessed the same event, I accepted that this boy was really a girl—Annie.

Annie was the first girl I felt strong romantic yearnings for. I had previously had a countless number of crushes on girls, often at the same time. Eventually, I developed strong emotions directed towards Annie. No other girl mattered to me, anymore. None were so precious and special as her. My life brightened just by seeing her everyday in class. Her sparkling blue eyes always calmed me and carried me away into mushy, frolicking fantasies. She was also very funny, and the goofy qualities of our personalities meshed so perfectly. We were a killer comic team when entertaining our classmates.

I still remember the sinking feeling I felt inside when another girl from our class brought up Annie’s boyfriend. I had no idea she had one, and Annie instantly turned red and shied away from the topic as she watched my surprised and hurt reaction. Gradually, I calmed myself, thinking, Annie may not be mine now, but someday we will have each other. Soon, my parents informed me that we were moving to a small town three hours away. When my teacher revealed this news to my class, Annie’s face shared the same expression mine had when I heard of her boyfriend.

The months following my family’s move were mostly spent in loneliness, daydreaming that someone’s house in the neighborhood would go up for sale and then Annie’s family would move in. I tried to escape these ideas by facing reality and recognizing that I probably will never see her again. However, that was too painful, so I maintained my imaginative thoughts. I longed for her uplifting companionship.

Since then, I have been able to gather more crushes, but none develop into the same rushing intensity as with Annie. None have compared to her. Whenever something comes close, my mind remembers and pictures her. I feel guilty for any feelings for anyone I try to explore, as though I am being unfaithful to her.

Currently, I am a student in Provo, Utah, at Brigham Young University—the marriage meat market capital of the world! My feelings for Annie serve no purpose in my life right now. They haunt me! I have no contact with her and have not even been able to find her via Facebook! Our relationship is, basically, hopeless. Besides, as I have considered her ultimate tomboy image, I have come to strongly believe that she very well may be a full-boar lesbian by now. Once again, these feelings have no use to me, but, perhaps, feeling this way for a lesbian-like person may be quite tantalizing for someone else.

I offer these feelings to anyone interested, whether it is because you have not felt such feelings for another, yet, and desire to do so or because you like to gain these same feelings for several people and play them all. I am open to any reason to house these stirrings elsewhere. I really do believe this method will help rid myself of these feelings for her. Your purposes with the sent document are completely up to you. You may even write the name of your ex-lover on them and use them for toilet paper. If you are adventurous, you can reconnect with your mother by sending her one half of the heart and then meeting up to complete it. If you are thrill crazy, you could try this with your mother-in-law.

I remind you that I am only selling the feelings for Annie. I have tried to make her sound vague to protect her identity, since it is not her that I am selling (she is not a slave, and I am not her trader).

Happy bidding!

The Corrs' Borrowed Heaven review

Last semester, my last assignment for my Advanced Writing course was to write an Art Review, so I wrote a review on one of my favorite music albums, Borrowed Heaven by The Corrs, my favorite group. I've been asked to post it by several people, mostly fellow fans:

Nearly four years after the release of their last studio album, the very poppy In Blue (whose quality was recognized with Grammy nominations in 2001 for Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals for “Breathless” and Best Pop Instrumental Performance for “Rebel Heart”), Irish sibling group The Corrs, known for striking good looks and incredible talent to match, returned to their original Celtic folk sound with the release of their fourth studio effort Borrowed Heaven in May 2004.  The album showcases The Corrs in what they do best—catchy mainstream pop that is top notch—and as a concept album, it sticks to the experience of loss and coping—realizing life is a borrowed heaven.

With ex-Eurythmics drummer Olle Romo at the production helm, the album maintains a consensual pop appeal through its near electronica, over-produced tracks in the most airy fashion ever to come from Corr-land.  Lead singer Andrea has been known for her sultry, light vocals, but this collection of tunes, despite being their most intimate projection, presents the feel of something you would listen to while drying off in the Sun, after you had just run through the sprinkler as you listened to their other works, save Talk on Corners (being a wine-and-dine ambient).  Borrowed Heaven’s sound still works splendidly for The Corrs, although it completely avoids any punk or hip hop influences rampaging U.K. radio of the time, as seen from artists like Avril Lavigne and Destiny’s Child.  However, the album is nothing to shy away from.

Borrowed Heaven takes you on a journey through the feel of its sound and lyrically explores handling loss.  It begins with the bright and upbeat lead single “Summer Sunshine” (ironically bonded to dark lyrics) and the celebratory second single “Angel.”  The mood shifts with the more sober “Hideaway” and continues its sullen mood until picked back up with the funky “Humdrum.”  It continues its ascension till the instrumental closer “Silver Strand” travels to a point of transcendence.

Likely, this journey is reflective of their own experience with their late mother’s passing during the production of In Blue.  In fact, two of the tracks overtly address the issue, picking up where they left off with In Blue’s “No More Cry,” which they wrote to help their father cope.  “Angel” is a conversation of the afterlife with the late Jean Corr, confessing, “I hope they love you like we do/ Forever angel/ I’ll be proud to be like you.”  The song is touching and would seemingly become a new regular at funerals were it not so fast-paced and cheerful.  It is a celebration of life, a celebration of a person, an angel.  The other song is “Goodbye,” whose lyrics, written by oldest sister and violinist Sharon, are a direct response to a loved one’s passing.  Borrowed Heaven and In Blue are dedicated to Jean Corr.

Besides their covers, The Corrs typically write their songs together, but for this release Sharon lends her songwriting abilities to two other songs, the inspirational “Hideaway” and the agonizing break-up and third single “Long Night.”  The group also covers the Golden Globe nominated song “Time Enough for Tears,” written by Bono, Gavin Friday, and Maurice Seezer and featured in the 2002 film In America with Andrea’s vocals.  Borrowed Heaven’s version offers a bluesy feel, while the soundtrack arrangement shares an orchestral sound.

Overall, Borrowed Heaven steers from predominately addressing ideas of love and romance and focuses on intimate reflection, except for heartbreaks “Summer Sunshine” and “Long Night,” mundane-everyday-life praising “Humdrum,” and frothy-sweet “Even If.”  The title track, featuring Ladysmith Black Mambazo as backing vocalists, explores the lack of possession in life and how everything passes and is therefore borrowed.  “Confidence for Quiet” acknowledges one’s own responsibility for validation, while “Baby Be Brave” uses a D minor key to emphasize the dire feelings of addressing a loved one losing themself to self-doubt.

The only complaint about the album is a dropped note performed by Andrea on her tin whistle during “Silver Strand.”  This happens at the end of both verses and sounds like she is simply failing to give full breath support to the end of the note’s required measure.  Besides this flub, the track is gorgeous and a heavenly listen.

Borrowed Heaven is a golden find for anyone who loves their pop pure and unadulterated.  It molds its concept well and is a great presentation of sympathy and healing for those suffering loss, even loss of self.

*My original version included this inserted as the seventh paragraph (third to last), but because its inclusion made the paper exceed the maximum word count by A LOT, I had to cut it down to a phrase in the final version:

The last vocal track of the album, “Baby Be Brave,” is a gem with its superb electronic production of beeps and riffs guaranteed to satisfyingly melt in the ear of anyone craving an electronica savor. The electronic effects aid the song’s D minor key in its effort to sound dire and almost demonic, driven by hard-pressed, determined beats. The empathetic lyrics address someone who throws series of pity parties in a witty, understanding, and caring manner (“Yeah everyone knows but we don’t believe it/ The pain of a pop star you’re breaking my heart/ […] I know what you’re doing ‘cause/ […] I’ve been tempted, you are/ Drowning the special to/ Immortalize the rise/ And what’s the point of it all/ Baby be brave […]/ (Confide in me, tell your story)/ […] (It’s your fear that makes you worthy)”).

Aphrodite's Birth in Kylie Minogue's "All the Lovers" Music Video

So, for my Mythology class, I had to write a paper on how a Greek myth is reflected in modern (after 1300 AD) art, so I chose Aphrodite's Birth in Kylie Minogue's "All the Lovers" music video. Actually, it was the day before the paper was due, and I had no idea what to do, and since I'd already written extensively on the music video and its song (which, that paper can be seen here), I was fairly familiar with it. AND as I wrote this paper, I giggled.A.LOT!

So, here's the myth of Aphrodite's birth: Cronus cut off the genitals of Uranus and threw them in the sea, which created foam in the water, and Aphrodite arose from the foam. My professor went haywire with my selection, declaring to our class that he only got through half of his grading during his grading time, because when he came to my paper, he had to watch the video and then look up other stuff. He wanted to show the vid to his classes but felt it was too "naughty." He really liked my paper but said he disagreed on some of the symbolism regarding Uranus's genitals, which is fine with me, because I'm not so sure I agreed with myself. I was mostly grasping at something to say, and what I did say sounded so silly it made me giggle. My professor said he saw symbols of opposites rather than the symbolism I mention. I agree. Opposites would be needed for fertilization. Someone from another section he teaches told me he even brought up my topic in their class. Last Friday, he was late to class, because he was writing a response letter to my paper. He gave me the letter and then spent ten minutes of that class day to discuss his and my ideas on the topic. He was very respectful through the whole thing, and I found it really cool he was so into my topic. Friday afternoon, he emailed me with more of his analysis. COOL!

Here is my paper:

Kylie Minogue’s music video for her single “All the Lovers”[1] symbolically depicts the birth of Aphrodite from the castration of Uranus to her rise from the foam in the sea.[2]  The event is suggested by the symbolic use of objects, environment, and people and helps promote Kylie to a new status in pop music with the release of her fittingly named latest album Aphrodite.[3]

            The genitals of Uranus are depicted in four clips at the beginning of the video.  The four clips include separately falling objects—a coffee cup, a milk bottle, marshmallows, and papers—spilling onto a city street.  The spilling cup full of coffee shows that just as one would get burned from hot coffee falling on them, the spilling coffee expresses the burning sensation of Uranus’s castration.  The white milk spilling from the bottle as it drops represents Uranus’s sperm as it flows across the surface of the pavement to fertilize the ground, while the dropping marshmallows represent his testicles.  This is suggested by their round shape and the sweetness that comes from their use.  Since there are several dropping marshmallows, it is depicting the power and fruitfulness of his loins as a god.  The papers fall from a freely opening briefcase someone is holding.  The briefcase falls open without its owner’s consent, signifying Uranus’s castration was not consensual.  Paper is commonly used to write and share ideas in a communication.  Their significance here is that just as they contain communicational code, their genetic code is spilling on the ground, like the fertilizing milk, to pass that code along.

The setting of the music video is a street surrounded by skyscrapers.  The placement of people in this environment helps the image that they are mere mortals, tiny, insignificant, and influenced by a higher power.  When these symbols of Uranus’s genitals are poured across the ground, their influence is felt by the mortals around.

The mortals strip to their undergarments and passionately kiss.  They are projected as the foam that rises from Uranus’s genitals.  The mortals, as foam, multiply in number and gather to form a mob that raises Kylie—accompanied by doves, an animal sacred to Aphrodite[4]—from within them and, therefore, demonstrating Aphrodite’s creation from the foam.

Later in the video, a white convertible releases white balloons from its opening top, depicting that Aphrodite (Kylie) has arrived and is releasing love into the world.  So many of the mortals gather to the mob by the end of the video that their group grows to be nearly as tall as the skyscrapers.  The people hear her song and flock to her, worshipping her as their goddess and deliverer.

Kylie’s appearance as Aphrodite helps promote her to the status of Goddess of Love in pop music.  From her first single “I Should Be So Lucky,”[5] Kylie explored the theme of love and the vulnerability that accompanies it, as she sang of dreaming that her hidden feelings for her love interest would be returned.  Over years she continued to explore the themes of love and vulnerability, but her peak of the themes came with the release of Aphrodite, a collection of songs solely dedicated to concepts of love, beauty, and the celestial, as they are associations of the Goddess.

Aphrodite helps promote Kylie to a new status among the pop music community, and that status is iconically symbolized as her appearance as Aphrodite in the “All the Lovers” music video, as it demonstrates the birth of Aphrodite and alludes Kylie as a representation of the Goddess. 

---

[1] All the Lovers. Dir. Joseph Kahn. Perf. Kylie Minogue. EMI, 2010. Film.  Lead single from Aphrodite.

[2] See Hesiod, Theogony 188-195.

[3] Minogue, Kylie. Aphrodite. Parlophone, 2010. CD.

[4] Berens, E. M. A Hand-Book of Mythology. New York: Maynard, Merrill, & Co., 1894. Print.

[5] Minogue, Kylie. “I Should Be So Lucky.” Kylie. PWL, 1988. CD.

Here is the vid. It is INCREDIBLY SENSUAL, so be warned:

Not "All the Lovers" Splurge in "Erotica:" Not Everyone is a Sex Maniac

JAN 31, 2011 UPDATE: At the beginning of this semester, my Advanced Writing professor emailed me and said she wanted to nominate my paper for a research paper contest that only accepted professor-nominated entries. So, I had to hop back onto working on this paper and made a few changes. The version below is the newly revised version.


For my Advanced Writing class, we had to write a research paper with an argument on an issue, so I chose to discuss Kylie Minogue and Madonna.  I'm posting this due to popular request.

To get into it, I will mainly be discussing Madonna's "Erotica" from Erotica and Kylie's "All the Lovers" from Aphrodite, so I would suggest checking the songs out below in order for you to get a feel of them before my analysis.  Generally, if you've never heard a song before, I would also impress you to listen to the song for a play before watching the music video, so you can get your own image and feel for it before you view someone else's translation.  I suggest the same for these two songs.  I also feel I must WARN that both videos tend to be quite SEXUAL and SENSUAL in nature.

Kylie with her OBE

Australian pop princess Kylie Minogue is crowned nothing short of royalty, especially considering her 2008 receptions of an Officer of the Order of the British Empire (OBE) (United Kingdom) and an Ordre des Arts et des Lettres (France) for her services in music.  Such honors place her among the elite of the celebrity community, where she is never free from critical comparison to pop music superstar Madonna.  However, Madonna and Kylie’s artistic messages are very different from each other.  Madonna feeds her audience the theme that power can be gained by sexuality, while Kylie explores themes of love and vulnerability.

Charlene from Neighbours

Initially, Kylie stood free of being critically assimilate to Madonna as she gained popularity with her character Charlene Mitchell on the Australian television soap opera Neighbours.  This led to her eventual break into pop music in the late 1980s (“Kylie Attends”) with the single “I Should Be So Lucky,” whose accompanying video helped her adopt a girl-next-door image, eventually known as CuteKylie (Sutherland and Ellis 58).  She immediately skyrocketed to international success and still remains strong, as her latest album release in July 2010, Aphrodite, reached number one on the U.K. album chart (“Featured”) and number two on the Australian chart (“Kylie Minogue”).

Her Madonna comparison began with the release of her Rhythm of Love album in 1990, which introduced the world to the phase known as SexKylie.  At the time, Kylie “wanted to develop, to experience different things and express [her]self beyond primary colours […] [She] was twenty-one and growing up.  [Her] own sexual revolution” (Baker and Minogue 41).  The sexual direction she took was mostly sparked from her recent relationship with INXS singer Michael Hutchence who taught her the power of sexuality (Baker and Minogue 50).  Regardless of her own ambitions, this change in persona from CuteKylie and shared similarities of her Rhythm of Love Tour to Madonna’s Blond Ambition World Tour led many to regard Kylie as a “Madonna wannabe” (Baker and Minogue 85, 86; Baron 52), a term often used in negative dismissal of an artist’s credibility and originality.

For a modern example, Lady Gaga is frequently coined the same, especially for her “Alejandro” music video’s use of Catholic symbols (“Lady”), which Madonna already exhausted in her “Like A Prayer” music video, on her Confessions Tour, and on several other occasions (“Religious”).  In cultural critic Camille Paglia’s article “Lady Gaga and the Death of Sex” for The Sunday Times, she continues referencing the “Alejandro” music video, citing “Gaga has borrowed heavily from Madonna.”  The article trashes Gaga, strongly posing her as a “copycat” and failing to mention anything that makes Gaga valuable as a standalone artist.  Paglia’s criticism limits her perception of Gaga’s individual potential.  In this instance, a cultural critic places Gaga under Madonna’s shadow, just as so many critics have done with Kylie.  In fact, in research for this paper, no scholarly article could be found about Kylie without comparison to Madonna.  To cling to such arguments that certain pop artists are merely borrowing from Madonna narrows one’s ability to see what those artists can contribute themselves, and they potentially miss the artists’ own valuable offerings.

Blond Ambition World Tour, 1990

Rhythm of Love Tour, 1991

Kylie’s ex-producer, Pete Waterman, though, admitted in an interview with The Independent, “She was setting her sights on becoming the new Prince or Madonna.  What I found amazing was that she was outselling Madonna four to one, but still wanted to be her” (Lister).  However, Kylie herself confessed, “Madonna has definitely influenced me […] generally rather than specifically” (Baron 47).

In support of her comments, this paper proposes that despite similarities in artistic pattern between Kylie and Madonna, the two are separate in the meaning and purpose of their work and Kylie is credible as an artist in her own right with artistic value that extends beyond the limiting label of a wannabe.  Madonna presents the use of sexuality to gain power until her theme’s peak with the release of Erotica in 1992, while Kylie’s musical artistry stands apart in its mission to gain love and express vulnerability until her artistic message’s pending peak with Aphrodite.  The lead singles from both albums, “Erotica” from Erotica and “All the Lovers” from Aphrodite, will be analyzed in support of these themes.

To separate the women further, both artists’ imitation of societal expectations of gender roles, each fulfilling the opposite of the other, reflects their overarching themes and the polarity between them, as supported by a music video study by Jennifer Hurley.  While a doctoral student at Deankin University in Geelong, Australia, Hurley worked with Media Studies students of secondary education and reported the students’ description “of Madonna as 'masculine', when [asked] to name pop stars who they thought were either feminine or masculine. [They] referred to Madonna's 'attitude' […] —being assertive, active, and significant, as opposed to being submissive, passive, and insignificant— […] and muscular body as distinguishing her from other 'feminine' performers such as Kylie Minogue” (330, 331).  These impressions joyride the themes of Madonna’s power and Kylie’s love.  Naturally, the masculine individual is associated with power while the feminine with vulnerability.

With power as Madonna’s super-objective in her artistry, she uses tactics of sexuality in pursuit of her objective.  She has played with gender roles on many occasions in order to deconstruct sexual boundaries, as shown in her music videos for “Express Yourself” (1989), where she dresses in a pin-striped suit and performs crotch grabs, and for “Justify My Love” (1990), in which a woman wears a pen-drawn mustache and Madonna kisses another woman (Hallstein 125).  She does not limit the expression of one’s sexuality and demonstrates the power one has to express that sexuality.  Lyrically, both songs emphasize a woman on a pedestal, informing her lover to express himself and to justify a reason for her to love him and have sex with him.  In this, there is a power play that is less commonly given to the female, where she holds sexual expression hostage if the man does not reach her expectations.

Her climb with pushing these social boundaries peaked [in 1992] when she praised a variety of forms of sexuality with the release of her soft porn coffee table book Sex and the accompanying album Erotica.  The album’s explicit songs and video promotion thoroughly demonstrate power through sexuality.

The opening and title track and first single establishes Madonna as a leader of sexuality, declaring to the listener, “I’ll be your mistress tonight,” and promising, “I’ll hit you with a truck/ I’ll give you love/ I’ll teach you how to… aahh.”  Madonna is forward with her declaration of power as a well-versed and well-experienced guide on the listener’s journey of sexual discovery, even posing, “If I’m in charge/ And I treat you like a child/ Will you let yourself go wild […] / Give it up, do as I say.”  She places herself in a position of power above the listener, putting her audience in a schoolroom to be educated “like a child.”  She is the teacher with authority of the classroom.  The track’s music video expands her power beyond educator to that of disciplinarian, since she sports a dominatrix outfit and samples BDSM (Bondage Dominance Submission Masochism) in many scenes.

Madonna continues her power play with gender roles in the video.  In some scenes, she dresses as a feminine figure in an elegant, glittery gown and straps a group of nearly naked men together, bowed down on all fours facing the direction away from her.  The image is reminiscent of sled dogs or horses pulling a carriage.  In her fancy dress suggesting her womanhood, she bears a whip, declaring her as the leader and driver of her team.  She once again takes the dominant role, subjecting the male figure to her rule.  The men are her slaves, and she is their master.  They are under her command to serve her fantasies.  She maintains power over them, so they will be at her disposition for her sexual desires.

Naturally, controversy surrounded the explicit material of Sex and Erotica. In reflection of her build to Erotica and its peak of her theme, in 1995 Madonna released the single “Human Nature” from her following album Bedtime Stories (1994).  The song serves as an unapologetic and direct response to those who were critical of her effort with Erotica (Rooksby 45).  She picks up the controversial train labeled “sex” she has been driving and sarcastically approaches her criticizers with backing vocal statements as, “Oops I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about sex/ (I musta been crazy) […] / Oops I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about you.”  She once again hangs sex over her audience’s head, stating they are involved in the topic, because “it’s human nature (I’m just like you).”  The video reprises her role as a dominatrix in acts of BDSM, retaining her as the hand of power through the song’s conversation, repeating, “I’m not sorry,” and finally ending confrontational and cold, retorting, “Absolutely no regrets.”



Madonna steps down from her peak, remaining a power figure and convinced that what she did was right.  Madonna knows what she has done and is perfectly aware of the message of power-gain through sex that she is sharing through her art.

Such heavy material contrasts to that of her “wannabe” counterpart, Kylie, who follows a theme of love throughout her career and explores vulnerability as a by-product of love.  Now, in order for there to be a peak in Kylie’s theme, there must be a climb to that summit, just as there was with Madonna’s theme.

"I Should Be So Lucky," 1988

From even her first single “I Should Be So Lucky,” Kylie explored the theme of love, as she sang of dreaming that her hidden feelings for her love interest would be returned.  Also, despite her SexKylie phase at the time, the song “Shocked” still encompassed the manifestation of romantic feelings, being “shocked by the power of love.”  Her music also delves into vulnerability with the single “What Do I Have To Do?”  She is having trouble convincing her lover she loves him.  He does not take any of her confessions seriously, and she questions, “How can I prove that I really love you?”  This, naturally, places her in a vulnerable and frustrating position of unrequited love.  However, the song’s musical styling is one of angst, suggesting Kylie desires to prove her love to only relieve herself, not necessarily to benefit her partner.

A deeper meaning of love comes from the album Kylie Minogue in 1994 with the single “Confide in Me,” whose message simply lies in its title.  The song offers a more mature move for Kylie, dealing with an honest concern for another individual, whether lover or not.  She is open to vulnerability, induced by empathy, as suggested by the lines, “We all get hurt by love/ And we all have our cross to bear/ But in the name of understanding now/ Our problems should be shared.”  She is matured in matters socially and emotionally to include others and to consider their feelings.  At the same time, she enters vulnerability by opening up and allowing herself to care enough to be the wailing wall of another individual and to love them, even if they are a stranger, “Should I offer some assistance?/ Should it matter who you are?”

Fever (U.S. Edition)

Kylie further explored her overarching theme through her subsequent work, particularly her 2000 single “Please Stay,” whose yearning vulnerability is basic to its title.  A heightened landmark toward her peak came with her 2001 album Fever.  Its singles “Can’t Get You Out of My Head,” “In Your Eyes,” “Love at First Sight,” and “Come Into My World,” as well as tracks “Fragile,” “Love Affair,” and “Your Love” and the Australian bonus track “Tightrope,” help constitute her theme of love and vulnerability.

Of that set list, highest potency towards her message is “Fragile,” which is yet another title that forwardly suggests its lyrics’ journey.  It is the epiphany of vulnerability towards a lover in its description of potential wounds.  She is so consumed with admiration and feelings towards her love interest that she claims disappointment would be her emotional undoing, “Scared of what’s to come […] / I get butterflies/ Water in my eyes/ When I think of you/ I could break in two/ ‘Cause I’m fragile when I hear your name/ Fragile when you call/ This could be the nearest thing to love.”  Yet, she also does not claim that it is love.  She has more maturity to gain on the subject but, eventually, she reaches her summit.

In July 2010, Kylie promoted her status to Goddess of Love with the release of the album Aphrodite, whose overall concepts enrapture the idea of love and vulnerability.  A glimpse at the track list, with songs like “Cupid Boy,” “Everything is Beautiful,” and “Looking for an Angel,” is simple enough to explore its concepts of love, beauty, and the celestial, as these are recurrent associations with the goddess Aphrodite.

“All the Lovers,” Aphrodite’s opening track and lead single, portrays the epitome of Kylie’s theme of love and vulnerability, much like what “Erotica” did for Madonna’s power through sexuality.  “All the Lovers” sums up the ideals of finally finding a true, honest love after so much search, “All the lovers/ That have gone before/ They don’t compare/ To you.”  From the moment the song begins, Kylie reveals how strongly she feels for her lover, “Dance, it’s all I wanna do so won’t you dance,/ I’m standing here with you why won’t you move/ I’ll get inside your groove ‘cos I’m on fire […] / It hurts./ When you get too close but baby it hurts.”  She loves him enough to dedicate a dance through life devoted to him.  She opens up with complete honesty of her greatest desire, because she is on fire with emotion to the point that it is overwhelming, due to her vulnerability towards her lover.

The second verse encourages her lover to be open to the sensations he is feeling, coaxing, “Feel […] there’s so much here to feel […]/ Breathe […]/You’ll be next to me it’s all you need […]/ I’ll take you higher.”  Kylie’s performance is sweet and caring.  She is humbly begging, pleading for her benefit as well as his.  She has come a long way from her self-interested concern in “What Do I Have To Do?” and has graduated to becoming a true lover.  She finds the vulnerability as not just an ache or longing needing cure, but she is reaching something beyond herself, something only attainable with the companionship of another.

As the persona of Kylie understands this, she is qualified as the heavenly Aphrodite in the music video.  The video begins on a skyscraper-lined city street with a flash mob stripping to white undergarments—the white, their purity in love; the revealed undergarments, the stripping of layers down to the core of an individual, where they are most vulnerable.  Physically, this is also a vulnerable position, as there is nothing to cover and protect the body from harm if it is attacked, especially the vitals within the body core.  Also, it reveals parts of the body that one may not be fully comfortable with exposing, since it is rarely seen to be judged and accepted by others.

Regardless, the mob is completely open to one another, participating in passionate kissing with other members and signifying their role as the lovers.  When the chorus is sung for the first time, Kylie is lifted by the mob and surrounded by ascending doves, an animal sacred to Aphrodite (Berens 61).  She is caressed and touched like a holy Messiah, an Aphrodite, their deliverer of love.  Kylie rules as love, and the manner of loving expression from her followers shares the deep purpose that is more meaningful than the bump-and-grind presented by Madonna, the leader of lust.  As the song progresses, more and more lovers hear the song of love and join the mob, until the group is nearly as tall as the skyscrapers.

Another motif throughout the video is a QR Code, a barcode-like device defined as a “two-dimensional matri[x] that represent[s] text,” even “a phone number, a URL, a paragraph or any other type of textual information” (“QR”).  It is seen on a coffee cup, a milk bottle, the pavement, and banners.  It is not forwardly evidenced what text is encoded in the QR Code, but it is designed the same every time it is seen, therefore, stating a repetitive message.  Nonetheless, the presence of the QR Code represents the immaterial of love.

Love is not something tangible, but it exists, even on a coded frequency that is felt and registered within oneself.  Its availability rests in a lover’s own desire and willingness to seek, recognize, and handle its communication.  Just as anyone trying to receive the message from a QR Code must have the proper technological equipment to obtain the encoded message, the lover must be prepared and have the tools ready to access those sought messages coded in the emotional language of love, so they can recognize those communicated emotions and know how to handle them.

The location of the QR Codes demonstrates the universality of Kylie’s love message across different demographic groups, stating that love is everywhere, among everyone.  The Codes on the coffee cup and the milk bottle represent love crossing the boundaries of race—the coffee distinguishes those of colored skin, while the milk denotes those of pale skin.  The cup and the bottle fall and spill their liquids to show the release and freedom of seeking love beyond the container of one’s own race.

The Code on the pavement is accompanied by falling white marshmallows that symbolize the gay male community.  Marshmallows are sweet and flavorful, just as the male homosexual personality is commonly connoted as being gentle and flamboyant.  Furthermore, the marshmallows in the video all share the same appearance, and the clip following is of a male with an earring.  The next scene is an opening briefcase with white paper falling out and a QR Code on a banner in the background.  These images are representative of those of lesbian interests, since individuals aligning in that manner tend to follow more butch and masculine paths as symbolized by the defined edges of the briefcase and the papers.  Also, the follow-up character shown is female to denote a female tendency.  The white of the marshmallows and paper qualify the homosexual love as pure, as well.  The banner is seen in later scenes as a reminder that love language is communicated through emotion and is manifested in the lovers’ physical expressions the audience views.  However, the marshmallows and sheets of paper can also symbolize different body sizes—fluffy like a marshmallow or thin like paper—and qualifies everyone to love, no matter how they are physically shaped.

Returning to Kylie in the video, her role as Aphrodite is not the only deity present.  Her efforts are supported by the appearance of the elephant-headed Indian god Ganesha, represented in the video by a gigantic inflatable white elephant.  Ganesha is “worshipped as a guardian god, bringer of luck, and regularly invoked as the ‘Remover of Obstacles’” (Coomaraswamy 30).  His presence is made during the second verse, as Kylie encourages her gathering lover followers to sense their feelings and recognize the emotions and stakes as “going higher, higher, higher.”  She calls on Ganesha’s assistance as a guardian and “Remover of Obstacles” to help her lovers remove their barriers and walls they have placed around their hearts.  At the same time, Ganesha hovers above as a guardian to protect from potential harm that may come when Kylie’s lovers open their hearts to the vulnerabilities she beckons them to give one another.  Later in the video, when the mob of lovers has grown in height, Ganesha floats a ways off from Kylie, providing a protectant journey to new lovers on their way to join the group.

With the protection of Ganesha’s vigilance and of being lowered into the mob of lovers, Kylie is safe during the song’s bridge to softly express her vulnerability through her vocal performance, which is helped by dropping the pounding bass line and synthesizers and only backing her with a gentle piano and warm strings.  She once again pleads her desire to “dance […]/ Even if it throws you to the fire.”  She longs to live harmoniously with her lover and wants him to open himself to a vulnerable position, though he is fearful of it.  As she comes out of the bridge, the music builds again until it reaches its climax with its bass line and a soaring synthesizer melody.  At this segment of the video, a white horse, often a symbol of spiritual illumination (Tresidder 241), runs through the street of kissing lovers.  Kylie’s lover, along with her followers, released inhibitions and entered the vulnerable state Kylie required, earning the spiritual illumination that “love is really good.”  During the second half of the last chorus, the soaring synthesizer melody plays in the background to show the lovers’ spiritual illumination and adherence to the lines, “Don’t be frightened/ Just give me a little bit more.”  With her mission accomplished, Kylie ends the video as Aphrodite, releasing a white dove into flight, releasing love into the world.

Kylie has come to understand what it means to love and how to be open and share vulnerability with her lover.  She has finished her climb to her peak.  She is Aphrodite.

Kylie completes her theme of love and vulnerability, just as Madonna completed her theme of power through sexuality.  Their artistry may have crossed paths on occasion, but their meanings and intentions for their audiences’ experience are totally different and unique to themselves.  Both patterned themes that led to eventual peaks, but both women stand alone in their artistry, neither requiring a pigeonhole label of a “wannabe,” limiting the perception of their artistic value by critics, whether cultural or scholarly.  Kylie possesses profound artistic integrity, deserving individual praise for her work without the mention or backup of Madonna and her works.

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