Adventure #24: Living Internationally/We're All in This Together

Petra, Jordan

I was born in Spain and spent my first three years of school in Saudi Arabia, during which time I traveled to about fifteen other countries. It's not as incredible an international life as other people I've met, but it is a lot more experience than most people I meet. I used to think living overseas did not have much influence on me, that I just came from a background similar to everyone else, but as I get to know other people deeper than the surface and watch my peers develop, I see that it has had an incredible impact on my views (and my siblings' views) of the world. (It was during some of my formulative years. Why shouldn't I notice residual influence?) Or, at least, I imagine living internationally had some effect. Perhaps, what I perceive as effect was really just shaped by other experience or is more from my personality.

Basically, I understand there is difference in the world: different people, different lifestyles, different needed occupations, different issues, differences in everything. These differences should be explored, celebrated, appreciated, and experienced. There is endless opportunity regardless of appearance, class, gender fulfillment, sex, demeanor, power, opinions, social standing, race, religion, creeds, and yada yada whatever else. In truth, whenever any of these are an issue, I feel like, "Honestly? This is a problem? We're not stepping forward? This is honestly something we have to address?" *exasperated sigh* I feel held back by it.

I also feel the same when people take unnecessary offense at things. From my own experience, it seems healthy to laugh lightly at yourself and at others (with sensitivity). We're here together. Why not enjoy each other and our differences? Why be so grim? That is, of course, NOT to say that we should take at the expense of others. But I don't see why so many people take offense at things without seeing the intention behind it. Most of time, (this is just my experience; can we just add a disclaimer that this is all from just my experience? Let's do) no harm is meant from jokes and misinformed practices are just that: misinformed. So why take offense and slap something with a crude or perverse sticker when you haven't even done your own footwork to find out what someone truly means behind it or why it may make you feel uncomfortable? And if they do mean offense, then move on from them and what happened, because it's not worth your attention, even to use your energy in being "offended!" Or, maybe be respectfully open and honest about why you find it offensive. Maybe they'll listen and be respectful in return. Maybe they'll understand and you'll make friends instead of enemies. (*Angelic "Ahhh!"*)  Who knew?! And now you don't have to be a naggy offended pussy pants. Okay, I'm bored of talking about the point of this paragraph (because, "Honestly? This is a problem...?" Catch my drift?).

Sydney Opera House, Australia

Now, besides these social issues that I find odd to even have existence, there is a great big world out there. Go get it. Go see it! It's beautiful! Don't be confined to whatever drudgery rules your life. Live.your.life! You're only here for only so long. Why not make every breath count? Yes, not everyone can afford to run off to a foreign land, but there are exciting things wherever you live to look at and experience. Tourists from all over the world come to see it. Why shouldn't you? It's in your own backyard. Live knowing the possibilities and potential there is in the world, even if your world feels small. Something that has LONG aggravated myself and my family is when people in our communities become so fixated on an issue that they lose the big picture and don't even realize they are doing it. They live in such a small world that they allow themselves to become distracted with jealousies, prejudices, and politics. There is not time for that! It's not helping anyone. It certainly is not healthy or uplifting to feel those things. Celebrate differences! Respect yourself without shame or apology or defense, and enjoy each other. We're all in this together.

We are all here on this planet together. We are a global community. There are people in every country hoping worthy things, dreaming worthy goals, joined in worthy causes--all living in the way they know how, in the way available to them. We're all just here together. So, we should learn from one another and be willing to stretch beyond our comfort zone. Why should we cheat ourselves from any life experience that we're unsure of? There's no way of telling what progress it may hand us that we did not foresee.

Adventure #23: You've Been Sexed!

This past year, I have been informally studying the differences between art created by men and women. And honestly, there is a difference significant enough that I have been able to blindly tell the sex of the screenwriter or playwright when I’m watching a film or play.

In general, the male focus deals with the actual problem or the intellect behind the problem, rather than the feelings about the problem or rather than having the main complication being the feelings behind a problem, as is the common focus for females. Also, the male presentation of a story to an audience is directly presented, rather than indirectly or passively as with a female storyteller. Males present what is happening, while females project feelings. So, personally, this is a bit of a disconnect for me, since I tend to be drawn to the emotions of female art, though I am still male in the manner of my own writings.

Consequently, I feel that stories are best created by the sex of the story’s protagonist. My first awakening to the gendering behind the creation of art came winter of last year when I watched the 1995 film adaption of Sense and Sensibility. I was completely taken by the story and this production particularly and realized that perhaps it was so good—held true to itself and stable in its own right of portrayal; we often see art as “good” when we recognize its truth or, at least, the truth we understand—because the script was written by a woman (actress/screenwriter Emma Thompson won the Academy Award and Golden Globe for the screenplay). Further, the original story was penned by romance novelist Jane Austen. Both of these mediums, the script and novel, are written by women about women. Who better than a woman to know what it’s like to be a woman?

Try as some men do, they can never really know enough to best capture the female experience. Such experience cannot be envisioned through observation. Men and women’s biology are completely different, making their life experience and bodily reactions and functions separate from each other. There are too many hormonal, physiological, etc. differences that make it impossible for someone of the opposite sex to completely know what it is like to be that sex, whether socially, emotionally, or whatnot. Hence, I conclude that men are best suited making male stories and women female stories (and then we all should enjoy and respect them).

Granted, occasionally, stories of an opposite sex protagonist than its creator can come across well, but never do they completely escape the lens of their own sex. This appears the case with the Harry Potter series. At first, I was stumped at how the portrayal of the boy wizard was so catching when it was created by Jo Rowling, a woman, but then I thought back on the narration and realized a motherly attitude towards the protagonist. The narration comes from the perspective of a mother. The motherliness, of course, is not forward, but I can sense the care and concern of a mother behind the way the story is told. Perhaps, this is one reason why the books have been so endearing to the masses. They can subconsciously sense that motherly concern for the character, his friends, and his story and adopt that view and care, or they may find a comfort in the motherly sensory that is there. It makes sense, though. Rowling is a mother herself and was a poverty-stricken single mother concerned about her child’s welfare when the story came to her. Had the books been written by a man, the story would have been laid out with more ego: Harry would have been made to appear more heroic, wowza-boy, which may have been accepted, but can you see it being accepted much if that attitude came from a woman? The reason for this: a female would have been feigning masculine ego towards a boy. She would have more luck passing a feminine ego, like that of a mother. This may be bothersome to many feminists, but think about it. Would you have really accepted a story portrayal that does not come from truth? Harry Potter would have lost its charm. It works with its given narration of motherly concern and appreciation.

Other exploration I’ve had was watching 13 Going on 30 for the first time a year ago. The story is honest to a womanly experience, but I recognized humor that seemed male originated. After the movie, I discovered it was written by a woman and a man, Cathy Yuspa and Josh Goldsmith. My guess is that a woman came up with much of the storyline/situation and a man came along to add humor.

The Other Guys’ script ran like two males bantering. Yes, the entire movie is two males bantering, but the script apparently was written the same, since it is by two males, Adam McKay and Chris Henchy. Even further, the humor is very male, especially with the masculinity-questioning aspects of the police captain working a second job at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and naïvely quoting lyrics from female R&B group TLC.

TV series Downton Abbey (written by Julian Fellowes) comes across as male with much of the story’s concern being about what is the problem and what they are going to do about it. Had it been written by a woman, the characters’ feelings and emotions about the problems and situations would be explored deeper and would become the show’s focus. As it is, for me, the show is very cut-and-dry and hard to get into for a while. Seemingly, the feelings aroused from the show are for the audience to impose and to fill-in-the-blank where feeling is not provided in the script.

When I watched Eat Pray Love, I could feel the story events running well and accurate in portrayal. Of course, the film is based on a woman’s autobiographical book. However, with this adapted script I felt everything presented to me directly. It was all laid out flat to me. It felt masculine but was done with sympathy towards the femininity of the story. My guess was that a feminine male wrote the script. Interestingly, it was directed and mostly written by Ryan Murphy, a homosexual male, and co-written by Jennifer Salt. I have not studied an occurrence like this beyond this example, but it suggests an idea that sexual orientation does not alter the sexed focus of the art, understandably, since the person is already male or female and are subject to that biological experience and function.

In the play Holiday by Philip Barry there are possible hints of Johnny being in love with Linda though he is engaged to her sister Julia, but these hints can all be passed as common decencies and are not enough to really catch the audience’s attention. It is not clear until Johnny and Linda are left alone and are led to a kiss. A female creator would have made the focus Johnny’s feelings behind the complication of where he puts his love, while the actual story is the struggle of where he puts his love, making the hints escapable. The female is more indirect, while the male is more defined.

I am sure many of these kind of qualities cross over into other artful creations. There are definitely many more aspects and personality that go into the creation of a story besides one’s sex, especially modernly when gender lines are blurred. But it is certainly telling if it can be deciphered from just perusing the manner in which something is written. It is something for artists to consider when they are creating and probably for audiences to look for in art and in their own lives of sex identity and gender identity.

Adventure #13: Meeting the "Pop Perfection" of Darren Hayes

Remember Savage Garden? Did you know their former frontman, Australian singer/songwriter Darren Hayes, has released four solo albums in the last ten years? ...Yeah, it took me a bit to catch up with that, too, being American and all, but he's been a new candy for me. Well, he’s not exactly new for me. I have flavored some of his music before but didn’t take a leap for him until recently.

HISTORY

Let’s take a (dry) rundown of my discovery of him nearly two years ago:

• Hear “I Knew I Loved You” again on radio (it eventually becomes my favorite Savage Garden song; plus, gorgeous Kirsten Dunst is featured in the music vid)
• Remember/Renew curiosity of Savage Garden
• (Wikipedia) Research Savage Garden
• Come across name “Darren Hayes” and research
• Discover 2004 tongue-in-cheek single “Pop!ular” reached #1 on U.S. Dance/Club Play chart
• Like “Pop!ular” but have interest in little else
• Use gift card to get Savage Garden Affirmation, which contains “I Knew I Loved You”

Last summer, I had some free music downloads, part of which I used to get “Pop!ular” and a few tracks off the album it’s from, The Tension and the Spark (Darren’s second album). About eight months later, I listened to his first and fourth albums, respectively, Spin and Secret Codes and Battleships on Spotify, generally liking them and occasionally listening to them more often.

DARREN & ME

Then, I moseyed along until May of this year (two months ago) when I realized a similarity in the songs he writes to the songs I write (and consequently, completed my collection of his music by ordering physical copies of his albums). This was HUGE! When I had thought about my songs, they seemed to be about...nothing...or, at least, nothing I could give a synopsis of, I felt. They're driven by feelings. Most songs are inspired by feelings and fused with emotion, but I've seen that the focus of my songs is completely about subconscious feelings becoming manifest. Darren's and mine don't exactly sound the same, but the focus and drive are similar. We each have our own separate patterns of addressing similar motives that are influenced by our own musical paths. Still, our songs seem to rest in an intuitive space (hence the mention of mine seeming "to be about...nothing;" the images we typically use aren't exactly tangible).

I had been looking at the current pop scene, especially Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, as well as other songs, but I couldn’t find many that I would say my songs were like. Darren’s have come the closest. When I figured this out, so many things in his songs opened up to me, and I could not believe what I was experiencing while listening to his music. Everything he sang made sense. There was no deciphering the metaphors or translation of events in my life to make them applicable to the song. Everything fit perfectly, like I could be saying those lyrics. It was one of those connections you have with someone and you just sense and feel that, “I need to know this person better,” or, “I want to meet this person.” It’d be awesome to meet him and chat about songs and ideas—perhaps, someday, if our lives cross. His songs are so honest to me. Perhaps, they are even too honest…

THE DOWNSIDE

Something he has been prized for is that, often, rather than taking a more commercial pop route, he musically and lyrically tends to take a more sophisticated, intellectual journey, which is a great aspect that I like (and makes me feel smart). But, his music is very artful and somber to the point that it can be depressing for me. At the same time, I love his music, because, like I said, my connection is so close; but it is easily depressing for me, because I don’t have to work to connect. His music naturally recalls emotional places I’ve been by just hearing those words and, especially, singing them.

HIS MUSIC

He does have light and positive songs but mostly on Spin, from which my favorite track is “I Can't Ever Get Enough of You.” His transition to heavier subjects is sampled on Spin’s title track but was also previewed in 1999 with the opening and title track of Savage Garden’s Affirmation. The music of these songs is still upbeat and fun, but the discussion is thoughtful.

His darkest album is The Tension and the Spark, where he explores themes of dark and light with, even, track titles as “Darkness” and “Light.” The Tension and the Spark is an amazing album, overall, despite its dark themes. It is brilliantly crafted with genius electronic production, and, honestly, deserves every one of the four stars Allmusic gave it (I tend to agree with Allmusic). “Darkness,” especially, is a song that surprised me how closely I connected with it when I really listened. I felt like someone had been watching me from my window… Other songs I most connected with from the album, whether emotionally or hearing my own thoughts in someone’s song, were “I Like the Way,” “Hero,” “Unlovable,” and “Love and Attraction,” but really, I side with the whole album.

His third release, the highly experimental and personal double album This Delicate Thing We've Made, continues a somber approach but has a more intellectual feel. The album fits together almost like a story with most of the songs leading up to the next, though they are strong enough to stand alone (not that they're mixed together but that they're like chapters in a novel). Overall, the entire album is incredibly elegant. My favorite track is the beautiful single “Casey” (which the last minute and a half of the album version is gorgeous but, sadly, was taken out to make it appropriate as a single, even though it emphasizes, what I believe to be, the main point of the song: “I wanna be someone”), which he wrote about his sister Tracey (rhymes with Casey; ooooooh, clever boy). Other tracks that especially stand out to me are “A Fear of Falling Under,” “Listen All You People,” “Neverland,” “Words,” and “The Tuning of Violins.” The whole album is wonderful, though.

His latest album, Secret Codes and Battleships, released autumn of last year, brings him back to commercial pop senses but without losing lyrical merit. I, especially, have taken a liking to “Don’t Give Up” and “Black Out the Sun,” which is another one that encapsulates emotions I have felt and instantly recalls them (and vocally, it’s fun to sing). He originally wrote “Black Out the Sun” for Leona Lewis but kept it for himself. Lead single “Talk Talk Talk” sounds like a sequel to “Words.” When I watched the music video for “Bloodstained Heart,” I cried at the end, and then I watched it again, crying throughout from understanding deeper the symbolism. I get choked singing it or even when I explain the song and video to others.

THE UPSIDE

I’ve learned several things from Darren, though. One thing I’ve understood is that this connection I’ve had is only one part of me, and it is good to have someone to connect to, even with my darker experiences. I connect with lots of artists, but my favorites tend to be The Corrs and Kylie Minogue. I’ve often thought myself the male version of Andrea Corr, lead singer and lyricist for The Corrs, and still, I see myself more in her personality than I do Darren’s. Both Darren and The Corrs appeal to the dreaminess of hopeless romantics. Andrea’s solo lyrics and her lyrics with The Corrs, I have felt, are words I could have written myself and that speak for me, just as with Darren’s. I think why I may find Darren's lyrics particularly special is that he is male, and there is an inherent part of me, perhaps initially subconscious, that recognizes and connects with this. The difference between The Corrs and Darren is that while The Corrs (and Andrea; I do like Sharon Corr’s solo work, as well) are willing to go to the dark places that Darren goes, they offer a glimmer of hope, whereas Darren goes there to reveal and explore but doesn’t always offer a way out. He takes you there to experience it with him (but it is fair to say that when you are in those dark places, sometimes hope is forgotten or not desired because of the pain in the letdown of what was once hoped).

I enjoy all of Kylie’s songs, but I most connect with the ones she writes herself, especially “No More Rain” and “Looking for an Angel” (both metaphors; *gasp* intriguing). She goes to dark places on 1997’s introspective Impossible Princess, in which she wrote or co-wrote all the songs, but, like The Corrs, she offers a way out, even if it is just a cry for deliverance. Mostly, Kylie appeals to my fun side. From having seen her live and what I’ve seen of her in interviews, Kylie is pure fun, as also found in her choice to release bubbly, danceable songs. Understandably, she's been referred to as a dance force of light (interestingly, Darren's idol, Madonna, compared to Kylie, has been seen as a dark force; I also like Madonna but more to get groovy with). Through it all, Kylie still is able to express love and its vulnerability (see my paper on that here).

Basically, in general (and for me), Kylie presents the fun and vulnerabilities of love, The Corrs the reassurances of love, and Darren the fears in love. Darren doesn’t really seem far off from The Corrs and Kylie. All three of these artists explore romance and art with class that appeals to me, reassuring what I’ve evaluated about my interests (as described here).

One thing I speculate about Darren from his songs is that he holds things very precious. This is even suggested in the album title This Delicate Thing We've Made and is something I relate to. It makes him a true lover and is a characteristic I'm attracted to to add him to my collection of favorite artists. But while I do like his more darker themes for their own sake, I wish for more of the songs about the positive aspects of love, like he does in “I Can't Ever Get Enough Of You” and “I Knew I Loved You,” but I'll appreciate whatever he turns out.

Of Darren himself, his voice is very beautiful. He uses falsetto a lot, and it is equally pleasing. His voice has a soft, youthful timbre (as do Kylie and Andrea), as does mine, I’ve been told. Last year, I sang “Ten Minutes Ago” from the musical Cinderella for a voice lesson. My teacher said I sounded great, but the only problem with my performance was that I sounded sixteen and the character needed to be old enough that his parents were irritated he wasn’t married yet (so, at least ten years older...hmm).

Darren’s vocal range is very similar to mine, making him fun and comfortable to sing along with. I had previously been introduced to Mika, who also sings high into his falsetto range, but his isn’t always nice sounding. Hearing that falsetto made me afraid to use my own, but Darren’s has given me confidence to use it, as I have heard that my voice and falsetto are “pretty,” as well. When I have sang some of Darren’s and Savage Garden’s songs to others and then later showed them the recording, my audiences have mentioned similar pleasing qualities in my voice and his, though we each have our own value and sound like ourselves. Also, we have similar impulses on forming words when singing; that is, we naturally tend to emphasize the same letter sounds in pronunciation.

If anything, Darren has helped me reach another level of acceptance for my voice. It is what it is, and it can have a place as I find where to use it. It is okay for it to sound pretty and soft and young...or “unique.” And, like I said about his songs’ similarity to mine, it is okay for my songs to be what they are. The sound of Darren's “Unlovable” gave me faith in the few of my songs that lean to the experimental. “Unlovable” is done in a way that makes the song work, despite often possessing an almost disjointed melody, as a few of mine do. When I wrote them, I wasn't sure if they would work but completed them, anyway. Now, I see that as they are explored, an appropriate way of expressing them can be found, just as it was with “Unlovable.” I know some of my apprehension about my songs comes from a fear of revealing self-qualities expressed in the song. Tsk tsk. Courage, now. I'm sure as I embrace them their performance will smooth out and become whole, making them a treasure. They have a place, as what has been reiterated to me a lot this past year (not even an exaggeration; everywhere I turn, this comes up)—to quit hiding and offer what I have. And, honestly, I have been feeling more ready to share what I have with songs, poetry, acting, stories, my novels. Perhaps, finishing college soon has brought this to my mind, also, and given me the realization that I need to come forward in order for anything to happen, rather than hiding in the educational world. In all, Darren has brought it up for me, again.

So, if you don’t know much about Darren, check him out! It’s a shame his music is as rare as it is. He is a gem! You never know what you may find in store to experience with him, and you can see why critics call him genius and his work “pop perfection.”

Adventure #12: (Social) Rules: Throw Them Out

Somehow, my thoughts recently have led me to the idea of rules, and basically, I think rules are stupid. Most of them are unnecessary, but of course, some are good. Rules are good so that people don’t hurt themselves and others, and if followed, people can live peacefully and get along with others and stay in line yada yada yada my GOSH! I am so bored already! All of you know that about rules (And if you don’t, then, frankly, I think you’re stupid, but I’ll probably still be your friend)!

Mostly, I think the majority of social rules are pointless, especially when it comes down to gender, like “Boys don’t hug,” “Boys should be serious,” “Boys are strong and quiet,” “Boys need their physical space,” “Boys are…” STUPID! Honestly, I don’t want to follow any of those rules, and I know other respectable BOYS who don’t. But, I admit, I am a feminine male (not effeminate, please. There is a difference. Thank you), as in I’m more emotional/sensitive, domesticated, clean, gentle, smaller framed than most guys I meet. Regardless, this isn’t a spat about gender roles, just social rules (which, I know, they interchange and affect each other and yada yada, but I don’t want to get into that right now, nor am I meaning that social rules all have to deal with gender).

ANYWAY! Much of this started when I was halfway through my first semester of college when I realized I was an adult. I was old enough to vote, but also I was an individual and could live however I please. I could get a girl and move in with her. I could move out of my house. I could volunteer at the hospital. I could cut down trees. I could unlearnedly strum a guitar and sing at the top of my lungs on Main Street. I could shoot up drugs. “I can do whatever I want!” (I often said this phrase to my family whenever they suggested anything, which drove them crazy…and still does…and which I apparently still say, since one of my old roommates once responded to his own question with, “That’s right. You can do whatever you want.”) That doesn’t exactly mean I want to do those things, but I realized how free I was and how free I’ve actually been.

So, now, I mostly side with the idea of making my own rules. I love making my own rules. Who is living my life? I am! Why should I not just live how I want within my own value code (meaning religion/beliefs, law obedience, business ethics, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO PUT HERE IN VALUES!)? Something I abhor is when people act with shame (which is a prevalent trait in much of Utah culture, especially Cache Valley; look around and see it). I love to be shamelessly nonsensical. I LOVE TO LET LOOSE—anything goes—and anything that is not impolite is welcome from others. I believe in observing without judging, as in there is no quizzical scowl with an up-turned lip, accompanied by, “Maybe you shouldn’t do that,” unless it is unkind or socially misplaced (in which case, correction would be properly done away from the(, perhaps, embarassing) presence of others). But, of course, I am a more chaotic personality, so for most social situations, I enjoy jumping in, going with my feelings, and seeing what happens. No social rules. No worrying about what people are thinking. Being fully committed to doing or saying or behaving whatever I feel in the moment I feel it, no matter how boisterous or over-the-top. (Sometimes, I feel like not saying or doing much, and that is perfectly fine.)

This doesn’t mean I’m wild. For me, I enjoy politeness and encouraging social interaction. I like to laugh and uplift others and to be uplifted, in turn. I do not feel like I am having to obey some kind of unpublished handbook of social behavior. Some can argue, though, that I have been conditioned to follow rules of politeness and positive socializing, and if that’s true, I don’t care. I interact how I want to interact. And if you desire to interact as the social rules laid down by your best friend or your roommate or that gorgeous senior cheerleader you admired your sophomore year, then do it, as long as it is want you want to do.

This may all sound jumbled. I have no idea. But I’m sure those who really know me understand this, because they have seen me do it and have experienced me.

"We'll make the rules up as we go along and break our own if we're not having fun."

Adventure #11: My art IS me

This post is about how well I know myself even if I don't know it. So, as the incredible and nearly toothless Snoop Dogg once said in a hot girl song:

"Let's take a journey."

It's been told to me before, and it was reiterated a few nights ago when I watched Never Been Kissed for the first time: "To write well, you have to write what you know." And, this applies to every form of art. For the most part, I do this with my creative projects, and for the most part, I never recognize I'm doing it until after the project is done. I don't know, exactly, if I can claim writing "well," but I sure do write about what I know.

"To write well, write what you know"

Let's start with my most recent project, which is what actually brought this junk to mind. For my creative writing class, I wrote a short story that I grabbed out of the air while we were given time in class to brainstorm quietly. Within two days, I knew the direction of the story, that a gentleman who wants a family discovers a strange creature in his plant shop and this creature fills his desire for a family. It took a few writing sessions, three of which I spent crying heavily (and I mean, BAWLING; there was no stopping the tears; they just kept coming and coming without effort, and I was heave breathing, feeling agony within), because I felt so emotionally connected to what the characters were going through. So, I wrote what I was feeling at the moment and tagged that the characters were doing it. I didn't quit feeling so emotionally overwhelmed until I wrote the characters out of that situation, and then I wrote how the characters(/I) felt in the calming period after a strong emotion (so, now if you ever read Twizzle, you'll know every emotion I felt (even the smiles) at the very moment I wrote it; that may be a nice (or torturous, if you're my mother) visual to play with as you read).

So, what does this mean? I wrote what I knew. And, what I presently know is loneliness. For me, that is what the story is about. This loneliness hasn't been a great secret to me, though I've tried to ignore it. It's mostly come up since I moved out of my sister's house last April and closer to my college campus, due to early classes and rehearsals that run late. It has seemed best to have a home to go to in the middle of the day than to be away from home for 14-16 hours everyday (my sister lived a forty minute drive from campus but is now moving near my parents, a two and a half hour drive from campus).

Perhaps, this is also why my baby hunger has increased a lot. If I can't have people readily to be with me, why not make people who will readily want to be with me? I'm used to creating things. Why not people? (I wouldn't exactly say that is especially a great idea, though)

This isn't to say that I don't have friends and don't talk to people. I appreciate those I have, but I've always lived with my family, where there has always been someone to talk openly with and with whom, I feel, I can receive an unbiased opinion about things or can get feedback that is not strongly judgmental or saving face to manipulate me. Now, I'm around other students who have their own agenda, when I've been used to having someone who will make time to talk to me, even if slightly inconvenient for them (gosh, I sound like such a little prince). There is a kind honesty (even if it's not pleasant to hear, it's necessary but done with kindness) among much of my family and I trust them.

So, wah wah! I don't have them right here. ANYWAY, this happens all the time when I write poems and songs. Sometimes, I have NO IDEA what I wrote means! Then, about 1-3 months later I look back over it and have an "ah-hah!" moment and realize I wrote exactly what I was feeling at the time I wrote it.

During my 20th year of life, I wrote a novel. It took me August to August (to figure it out and) to write it, and about 6 months later, I saw that I accidentally wrote a story that reflects that 20th year.

In my acting, I draw from myself and people and common behaviors I have observed or understand(/researched). When I'm doing crappy work, I'm not drawing from anything, because, for whatever reason, I forget to draw from inspiration or don't know (yet) what to use for inspiration. I am not "writing" what I know.



And lastly, I have been writing a bunch of silly sketches, some of which have been put on Youtube. The one that stands out in my mind is Einstein Home School College. I wrote a promo for it, and the lead in that has been kind enough to improv her way through two more videos of random interviews with the same spirit of this College I created. I have also written episodes of events that happen at this place. Basically, the gist is incompetent people acting like they know what they're doing. So, pretty much, I wrote about how I often feel. However, often when characters recognizes this cycle, then that is a drama. But, when they are clueless to their incompetence, then it is a comedy, as the scripts for this College try to reflect this latter pattern. Overall, since I feel I go through both of these patterns, and since drama and comedy are both part of life, I can say that I have experienced a whole life (Thanks, Mom; you did well, after all).

So, pretty much, I write what I know. And even if I have not experienced something firsthand, I write what I understand, and it still comes from a place within me, even if I don't readily recognize it. Then, my art is me.

How is your art you?

Adventure #10: Hey, There, "Friend." What's the Definition of a Friend?

This may be silly or not, but something that's always bothered me is when someone addresses me as "friend"—not as calling me their friend, but giving me the title or greeting of merely "friend:" i.e. "Hey, there, friend," "How's it going, friend?" "Friend, here, will tell us," etc. I feel honored that anyone would call me their friend. I welcome all. What flips me wrong about this form of greeting, though, is that I feel like I'm being classified amongst other "friends," that I am among a collection (of objects), or that I am recognized as being their friend but they do not support it well enough to see ME, my individuality—that is the biggest reason. I am not completely certain that these are the reasons people fly this term about. For some, this may be it. For others, they may find it endearing to call others this, perhaps saving it for select people. Anyone in the habit of using it has their own reason. Personally, I often feel slapped with a number, being seen among a crowd or given a label and not prized for myself. Much of my feelings, though, may be based on how genuine or ingenuine (not an actual word but whatever) the term is used. For example, when someone addresses a group of people I am in as "friends," as in, "Friends, I'm having trouble" or "I hope this helps you, friends," in my experience, they are usually endearing with the term, and it reads kindly to me.

As I've reflected on this, I've wondered what people consider ranks a friend. For me, I feel I've had lots of friends. I've thought anyone who has been nice and friendly with me as a friend, and I would do what they ask of me within my moral code. I have been open to anyone who has wanted to be my friend and at times, though I did not initially feel an interest in getting to know someone, have opened up and made effort to reach out to those who showed (even shy) interest to be my friend. The idea of a friend is very fickle in my mind, as I have had little to define as a friend. Everyone is available, I feel. Why shouldn't I be open to anyone?

This can be hurtful, though, when I've grown to love someone and want to be there for them, but I know that they are only self-interested and their interest in me is for a purpose of perceived temporary self-gain—that I am disposable and only a step stool. When I am aware of this, I try to know my limits and not be taken advantage of or played. In this case, I understand where there is a definition of friend—that their actions are not of a true friend.

Still, I continue to be confused when I am having a good time with someone, and they happily state, "Let's be friends" or "Why aren't we friends?" I am always taken aback by this and know not how to answer. In my mind, we already were friends. If you are pleasant towards me, I am your friend.

Adventure #9: Decision vs. Circumstance (or Control vs. Chaos)

Recently, a friend of mine said that a particular experience she had the previous night led her to decide that she really liked a boy--enough that she would love to date him. He was the top of her list. I found this odd that she would say that she has "decided" to like him.

Looking over the people I have had romantic yearnings for or have gained particular interest for, never would I say that I decided to be interested in them in that way. There was a point of recognition for all of them. There came a time when I was considering our relationship or them that I realized I had grown fond of them. Often, even, especially in the case of romantics, I have to slap myself and work at bringing myself to not like them due to circumstance of their relationship status, my perception of their interest in me, or other occasions.

I felt I did not understand my friend's pattern of romantic feelings, but I considered again, wondering if she was describing the same process I perceive for myself but in different terms. Perhaps, the only difference between us was attitude. I passively allow myself to be victim of circumstance, while she decides to have control. Or, perhaps, we desire different perceptions from others, that I don't care to be seen as passive, but she desires to be seen as one that takes control of things around her. Either way, her method seems to reign deliberation, while mine appears more chaotic.

Adventure #7: Notes on My Study on People's Interests

Kylie Minogue

I have outlined an analysis of my experience with my interests and wonder if I am accurate in what I have come up with. I have not fully developed my ideas, so, please, feel free to tell me what you may think, whether I am headed in a profitable direction or you think I am on crack. All of this is my own ideas, so also, if you've heard some other studies or things like this, I'd be interested in knowing. Or, perhaps, you think this is all crap and goes without saying. Much of my intrigue with this topic stems from my work in acting. It would make sense to me that much could be figured about a character by looking at their interests, if given in the script.

A few months ago, I wrote an extensive paper on Kylie Minogue's song "All the Lovers," in which I analyzed the general message of her music (that paper can be found here). In my argument that she explored themes of love and vulnerability, I could not help but see deeper similarities between her and myself as I perused over her music in search of the themes she conveys. I saw that I valued many of the messages often presented in her music. Previously, I had been liking her music, but never had I explored why I may be drawn to it in the extent that I have. This led me to look at my other favorite music artists, like Shania Twain and The Corrs, and explore their common themes. At this time of analysis, I was exploring the music of Daniel Bedingfield and found a commonality with him, too. Of these artists--Minogue, Twain, Corrs, and Bedingfield--I found that all were sensual/sensuous persons with sultry vocals and hopeless romantic personalities undertoned with cheeky sass. They all (with possible exception of Bedingfield; I'm not sure) have been known as classy figures associated with elegance. Also, every diehard Corrs fan I have met is a fun-loving, loyal, gentle, and soft-spoken romantic. From the interviews I have seen of the four sibling Corrs, I sense that each one matches this definition, as well.

The Corrs

Feeling I matched these descriptions ("sultry vocals," perhaps, is debatable), I concluded that our interests are means of validating perceptions of ourselves and what we desire to become. In a sense (this is probably my weakest, least informed point), my argument is that our natural interests are reflective of Sigmund Freud's concept of the id--that is, unfiltered, natural desire--and ego--the realistic reasoning side of a person.

Perhaps, the need for deep-rooted interests with emotional connection comes from the superego's correction of the id (superego does this so we behave in a manner befitting society). Because of the actions of the superego, the ego can become confused. This is where interests come into play. When the ego is needing validation in balancing the id and superego, it turns to interests. In such, it finds safety and security in things that satisfy id while accomplishing superego.

Recently, in a class discussing the Doctrine and Covenants (some of the modern scriptures from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) in which I am enrolled, we discussed the 88th Section, verse 40, which reads, "For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own; justice continueth its course and claimeth its own." Basically, everything is attracted to its own; everyone is attracted to those like them. This makes total sense that people would be attracted to things that are like them. Their interests are reflective of who they perceive themselves to be or what they want to be. Interests give identity. They assure us of who we are. More can be said of us by our interests than we give credit for. SO MUCH of how we use interests as a means of identity goes unnoticed and is subconscious, just as how Minogue's music appealed to me, yet I did not fully seek to answer why. Further, it wasn't until after I had carefully selected and included these pictures of Minogue, The Corrs, and Twain in this blog post that I realized a similar theme of light in all of them. I'm sure something can be said about that. The purpose I find in exploring our interests and attractions is to discover what roles those interests play in developing our identities.

An example may be those who are interested in the hobby of hunting. It seems reasonable to say those individuals desire to be providers. They believe themselves to be providers, or they desire to someday become providers, and bringing home a kill expresses and re-establishes that desire and identity for them. (Of course, there are also other identity establishments that can draw people to hunting.)

Shania Twain

Our (desired) identity certainly says something for the people we desire as friends and with whom we attempt to reach out to, as well as whom we choose as a mate. Those in positions of popular desire, whether based on wealth, celebrity, talent, physical appearance, or whatever else, are commonly bombarded with social opportunities and interactions, because people's interests in them are driven by the desire to see those qualities in themselves. Someone's interest in a person could also be driven by the perceived identity that person gives them, whether by association with or by certain interactions received from that person. Also, just as my connection and interest with The Corrs and others celebrity artists, every person idolizes their own A-listers based on qualities they see in themselves or qualities they wish to see. It seems safe to say that one recognizes, even subconsciously, a certain likeness with or is fondly reminded of someone else like their favorite celebrities, actors, writers, fictional characters, etc.

Family is an essential part of one's identity. Our interest in them, then, is to validate and design our perceived identity. From an early age, our family unit, no matter how formed, trains and shapes the identity we take. If among our biological family, this is especially key, as we see similarities in how we look and how we behave temperamentally. Children, especially, are in the stage of developing an identity and often turn to their parents for guidance through the means of mimicry. Commonly, one of the parents is chosen by the child, more prevalently than the other, and as the child gets older, they speak most often about the parent they are most like. After all, this parent is of most interest to them, as they have established the earliest forms of their identity around this parent. To speak of them gives validity to oneself. However, these interests are among all family relationships, whether it be parent to child, sibling to sibling, aunt to nephew, or any other relationship. Seeing these similarities drive our interests to associate with them and, in turn, love and be loved by them. They form a facet of our identity, which interests us to seek validity of that identity from them and in them.

At times, family interest for someone may be minimal, because of a distracting interest in work or something else. They are seeking validity in an identity in something that their family does not offer. Some, though, do have interest in family life, but the identity they receive from their given family is not what they desire, so they turn to alternate means of identity.

People can only connect to and understand art (movies, TV shows, books/novels, paintings, sculptures, music/songs, architecture, etc.) on their own level of what speaks to them--them being made up of their own experience and personality. All that we know in life is our own experience (even if you witness or learn of someone else's experience, you are still in your experience when you see or learn it, and you process it according to yourself). Art is reflective of the human experience, often specifically to the creating artist's experience. It makes sense, then, to go about reading a work of art through one's own lens. We can only go through and process art from what we already know and understand, what we identify with and recognize in the world around us or in ourselves. In this way, we connect with art by understanding and identifying with it, even abstractly or if it is only to say, "Yes, I know that. I have been there. I understand it. I adopt that idea. It is a part of me." We gain preference for artworks and use that interest in them to validate our identity.

The role of religion in one's interests is another key part of one's identity, as they seek to answer the questions of their origins and creation--where did I come from--where am I going--what am I doing here (*ahem, while sober; not because of intoxication)? Some do find what they believe to be answers but do not highlight religion in their life, because they fill their life with finding validity in identity through alternate means. Others cleave unto their religion to re-enforce that identity they found. Our interests, too, come into play when we choose which religious establishment to identify with. Few do not find interest in the questions of origin, because they seek fulfillment of identity in other fields. MUCH MORE can be said about religion in this topic...but I haven't figured how it fits yet...and what else I have figured, I can't seem to find the words to explain what I understand.

The concept of personality types, or common combinations of emotional, attitudinal, and behavioral response patterns, is backed by association of interests. It would only make sense that those of similar tendencies would be drawn to each other, to similar careers, and to similar hobbies, as they share similar senses of identity and similar needs for validation.

Our interests change as we age, because our sense of identity changes over time, as well.

It seems fair to say that disinterest or lack of interest occurs when we perceive that the interest does not validate our identity or what we desire to perceive ourselves as. We do not connect with it, or else, we do connect but desire not to.

Depression seems to be the state in which one lacks interests and, consequently, lacks a sense of validity in their identity, or vice versa. Further, when someone's interests are not being recognized or accepted, depression can also result because of the same lack of validity.

There is so much more that goes along with this topic, that our interests validate our identity, but these are the basic things I have so far. It seems that it would be beneficial for people to look over their interests and discover what they are gaining by having these interests and why they have them.

What do your interests say about you?

Adventure #4: The Little Prince Personality

I have, what some may call, a Prince Personality. It seems to be genetic as the same characteristics can be found in two of my nieces (both are from different siblings of mine; one from a brother and the other from my sister) and a female cousin, though I have found it existent in some of my friends. A particular friend, a recurring companion of mine at my university, exhibits this personality to such a degree that at nineteen years old she reminds people of Giselle from Disney's Enchanted, which is helped by her strawberry blond hair.

Such personalities are more common among girls, but some boys do possess similar qualities. It is most easily seen in children, and some aspects of life perspective slough away with maturity, due to established social systems or other pursued interests, but most often the core of the personality stays with the person.

I would like to share a portrait of this personality, of which I will reference as a Prince, though a similar sketch can go for a Princess, as well. Much of what will be mentioned can be seen in other personalities to a degree but demonstrated will be the core values of this particular kind of personality. I mostly speak from my own experience.

Princes are most distinguishable by their soft- and tender-hearts. They are the most gentle and loving of beings. It is true that critical words can be damaging and hurtful to anyone. However, a harsh tone or cruel rejection can destroy a Prince. His sense of self and enthusiastic spirit for life die. He holds everything close to his heart and can eventually heal but slowly. It is common for him to connect with the vulnerable but leading character of a story, such as Winnie-the-Pooh or Cinderella. A Prince is easily reduced to tears, from fearful experiences but also from sympathy, gratitude, and love. He rarely allows others to see this, though, as he worries it would burden them.

A Prince will quietly maintain an air or impression of class and is naturally attracted to elegance. Often, he is seen as prim, especially in his desire to demonstrate immaculate presentation of self, quarters, and possessions. This sense will lead him to connect with classy figures, such as Audrey Hepburn or Prince William (son of Princess Diana and Prince Charles). Many general people are also attracted to these figures for their sense of class or from the general people's fascination with fame and royalty, but the Prince naturally views them as potential cohorts.

Obviously, the Prince is a dreamer personality. He is always in a dream, living in his own world. He is incredibly imaginitive. His dream, however, is not of selfishness. He does not live in his world for the sake of self-conceit. His dreams are filled with positive interactions with and from those he admires and loves. Some of his dreams are so close to his heart he would never dare share them with anyone. Most often these dreams are of his love interest.

When given opportunity to play companion to a love interest in the real world, he holds them at a high degree of importance and consideration, as also demonstrated in his long dreams dedicated to them. He feels for his love deeply and with complete commitment. Indeed, the mere presence of his love can be reward enough to please him. As a vulnerable/passive being, the Prince is not natural at forwardly establishing a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. However, if a commital agreement is not made, even by word of mouth, then the Prince may allow time and attention to other interests or callers, even if he has already spent time with one that particularly catches his interest. Rarely will he brave to be the one to dictate such a distinction, even if he desires it. For all he knows, such a relationship pronouncement may be seen as inconvenient in his love interest's view. He has a much easier time with the marriage proposal and wedding, as those are follow-up to what is already initiated.

When color coded, a Prince is a White personality, or peace-maker. He values positive, safe social interaction above all else. Never does he say or do something to purposely harm. At times, there is a slip of tongue or mistake of action, and when these are realized as a mistake, the Prince has not only offended the communicative receiver but also himself. Rudeness cannot be tolerated. To receive outside punishment at this time is torturous and emotionally dangerous for a Prince, due to his paining realization of his dreadful folly. He knows no enemy and is friend to all. To be made an enemy by returned harsh words, silent treatment, or other punishments is emotionally unbearable, as he will become disappointed in himself for the strong offense against his intense values.

This is not to say that the Prince does not speak or act boldly. When he feels something is to be said or done, he will do it but for the cause he holds as right. Likely, he is scared out of his pants to make a statement but still takes an uncomfortable courageous risk. He desires to teach or share and will not excuse himself, though he hopes his communicative recipient is open and truly receptive of his view, for to act in bold manner is only done out of greatest love for his recipient. A bold act is to open the Prince to a state of vulnerability, for if the recipient retaliates, he faces strong emotional disappointment, as previously discussed (especially since he holds everything he does and stands for close to his heart). He would not take such a risk were it not for the sake of love.

There is a point of contradiction for the Prince (as there is contradiction in every personality). Though he maintains a prim, classy, and mild countenance, his friendliness leads him to be a boisterous player of fun, which can become immensely silly. The Prince loves this side of himself but only allows it if he feels emotionally safe. That is not to say that if he does not show it to you he does not like you. He is incredibly intuitive and simply does not feel like such behavior may be right or proper for the situation or setting. He just may not be in the mood, though the Prince holds this part of himself in high importance. For some, this is the most common side of the Prince they see. Most of his antics are harmless poking of fun. He does allow room for some light "rudeness," or sarcasm, in his display of comedy, but he never means what he says (or else he would not say it, as it would offend him). It is intended without the slightest trickle of vehemence. He simply has an eye for wit, irony, and the naturally ridiculous. His intuition allows others to express the same sense of sarcasm, but he will become offended if he senses true rudeness and disrespect.

Another contradiction is that his occasional boldness can sometimes play with his humor when he views something as ridiculous, giving him a sassy quality, at times.

The Prince holds his values in high regard and places them close to his heart. Simply, he is a natural lover and wants to share that love.

Of course, there is much more to the personality, but these are some basic aspects of it.

Suggested reading:

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry
which also can be found here:
http://www.angelfire.com/hi/littleprince/frames.html