In my first year English class three years ago, we had to write a persuasive paper to use as a product description to sell an intrinsic item on eBay. I chose my 5th grade crush and read my paper aloud to the class for feedback. They loved it! My professor laughed throughout and commented that I had the "best.last.line.EVER!"...my item never sold, but the paper is fun to read:
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As a hopeless romantic, my life pretty much sucks,
especially as a deep feeling, sissy college boy prone to attachment! Therefore,
it would help me a lot if I could shake these romantic feelings I have been carrying
for a girl from my fifth grade class. My method consists of ridding myself of a
proxy—a broken heart shaped paper (two half hearts) with listings of my
romantic feelings for her inside the heart. I do not have the money for therapy
to settle this issue, since my collegiate institution requires I pay tuition.
Hence, I have fallen into alternative ways to relieve myself of these feelings
for a girl whom we shall call Annie.
To be honest, the first time I met Annie I thought she was a
boy, because of her strong tomboy image. On the first day of school, my teacher
requested the silence of some feminine giggling. I glanced in the direction to
which she spoke to behold, what I thought to be, a group of three girls and a
boy who was the cause of the girls’ laughter. I thought it rude for my teacher
to refer to that boy as a girl. The next day, I saw that same boy enter and
leave the girls’ restroom. I was shocked!
However, when I saw my teacher’s casual appearance as she witnessed the
same event, I accepted that this boy was really a girl—Annie.
Annie was the first girl I felt strong romantic yearnings
for. I had previously had a countless number of crushes on girls, often at the
same time. Eventually, I developed strong emotions directed towards Annie. No
other girl mattered to me, anymore. None were so precious and special as her.
My life brightened just by seeing her everyday in class. Her sparkling blue
eyes always calmed me and carried me away into mushy, frolicking fantasies. She
was also very funny, and the goofy qualities of our personalities meshed so
perfectly. We were a killer comic team when entertaining our classmates.
I still remember the sinking feeling I felt inside when
another girl from our class brought up Annie’s boyfriend. I had no idea she had
one, and Annie instantly turned red and shied away from the topic as she
watched my surprised and hurt reaction. Gradually, I calmed myself, thinking, Annie
may not be mine now, but someday we will have each other. Soon, my parents
informed me that we were moving to a small town three hours away. When my
teacher revealed this news to my class, Annie’s face shared the same expression
mine had when I heard of her boyfriend.
The months following my family’s move were mostly spent in
loneliness, daydreaming that someone’s house in the neighborhood would go up
for sale and then Annie’s family would move in. I tried to escape these ideas
by facing reality and recognizing that I probably will never see her again.
However, that was too painful, so I maintained my imaginative thoughts. I
longed for her uplifting companionship.
Since then, I have been able to gather more crushes, but
none develop into the same rushing intensity as with Annie. None have compared
to her. Whenever something comes close, my mind remembers and pictures her. I
feel guilty for any feelings for anyone I try to explore, as though I am being
unfaithful to her.
Currently, I am a student in Provo, Utah, at Brigham Young
University—the marriage meat market capital of the world! My feelings for Annie
serve no purpose in my life right now. They haunt me! I have no contact with
her and have not even been able to find her via Facebook! Our relationship is,
basically, hopeless. Besides, as I have considered her ultimate tomboy image, I
have come to strongly believe that she very well may be a full-boar lesbian by
now. Once again, these feelings have no use to me, but, perhaps, feeling this
way for a lesbian-like person may be quite tantalizing for someone else.
I offer these feelings to anyone interested, whether it is
because you have not felt such feelings for another, yet, and desire to do so
or because you like to gain these same feelings for several people and play
them all. I am open to any reason to house these stirrings elsewhere. I really
do believe this method will help rid myself of these feelings for her. Your
purposes with the sent document are completely up to you. You may even write
the name of your ex-lover on them and use them for toilet paper. If you are
adventurous, you can reconnect with your mother by sending her one half of the
heart and then meeting up to complete it. If you are thrill crazy, you could try
this with your mother-in-law.
I remind you that I am only selling the feelings for Annie.
I have tried to make her sound vague to protect her identity, since it is not
her that I am selling (she is not a slave, and I am not her trader).
Happy bidding!
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